The Place: The Capitol, Washington D.C. The Players: Three captains of industry (Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford and Bob Nardelli of Chrysler), one union leader (Ron Gettelfinger of the UAW) and a big angry Congress.

And then there's me, your humble chronicler, the only person left behind at Vehicle Voice World Internet Headquarters and Decorative Bamboo Plantation to tell this story, because everyone else is at the L.A. Auto Show. Follow me behind the cut, and let's talk about the Detroit 3 (plus one)'s adventures in Washington.

That's…ominious.

Continue reading "Road Noise: Congressional Rumble All-Out Attack!" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 4:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Here at VehicleVoice World Internet Headquarters and Day-Old Seafood Buffet, we divide our copious free time among three things:

1) Chair dancing and lip-synching to "Don't Stop Believing" in an effort to boost industry morale.

2) Impromptu salons, during which we discuss philosophy, world affairs and whether Iron Man was better than The Dark Knight. (Yes.)

3) The Internet. The sweet, sweet, life-giving Internet.

Continue reading "Road Noise: The Allure of the Radio Button (Not That Kind)" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 5:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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It's technically the tail end of autumn here at VehicleVoice World Internet Headquarters and Haberdashery for Distinguished Gentlemen, but the weather's all screwed up. The postman and the UPS guy have been wearing their natty uniform shorts all week, and the Canada geese down at the park are looking around saying, "Eh, it's nice here. Screw flying south."

Obviously, now is the time to talk about winterizing your car, because there is no way weather like this won't be followed up by an ungodly snowstorm. It's going to be like The Day After Tomorrow out there by next week.

That's it. I'm calling in sick.

Continue reading "Road Noise: The Calm Before the Snowstorm" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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If you're reading this, then things have unfolded as I had feared and the zombie hordes have arisen. Even now, they could be shambling toward the gates of VehicleVoice World Internet Headquarters and House of Mystery. Of course, I am long gone, having fled to my ammo-packed wilderness compound and left this blog entry to be posted by my more dedicated, less survival-minded coworkers. They are no doubt fodder for the filthy undead, but there may still be hope for you. Read on if you value your life.

Oh crap.

Continue reading "Road Noise: The Brains of the Operation" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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When you're cruising down the highway, do you ever see a vehicle bearing bumper stickers that indicate the driver admires a political party/sports franchise/deity that you're not especially crazy about? And then you have to struggle against the urge to make rude gestures or run them off the road, because how could they be so stupid as to support the Monster Raving Loonies/Gotham Gators/Flying Spaghetti Monster and then be so stupid as to tell everyone about it OMG can you believe these people?!

Me neither.

Time to cut back.

Continue reading "Road Noise: My Bumper Sticker Can Beat Up Your Honor Student" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Autumn is in full swing here at Vehicle Voice World Internet Headquarters and Discount Wig Warehouse, and that makes me think of moving. My apartment leases always seem to end October-ish, and every year there seems to be a compelling reason why I have to pack everything in boxes and take it someplace else. I've moved seven times in the past six years, so I daresay I've got the expert qualifications necessary to advise you on the proper vehicle for your next move.

Illustrative cat is illustrative.

Continue reading "Road Noise: In It For the Long (U-)Haul." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 6:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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I have my own car, because I come from Michigan, where people older than 16 who don't own cars are subject to the intense scrutiny and (ahem) gentle persuasion of their local UAW chapters. But when I went to college out of state, I was able to slip free of the car culture and live a glorious pedestrian lifestyle.

I hated it.

The guy on the Pedestrian Crossing sign is ashamed of not having a car. You can see it in his eyes.

Continue reading "Road Noise: Share and Share Alike. Or Don't." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This week, I sat down for the sales conference calls from Ford and Chrysler. How are things, you ask, or don't, as the case may be? Well, they're both down about 35 percent. On the bright side, no one cried on the phone.

"Run for your lives! The economy's collapsing!"

Continue reading "Road Noise: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Dial Here" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Another week, another Road Noise brainstorming session with my friend who doesn't even own a car.

"I was thinking of doing something about how much my nephew loves his little toy cars," I IM'd my Cars-Are-a-Blight-On-the-Landscape collaborator.

His reply follows, verbatim:

Oh man, I LOVED toy cars as a kid, especially the micro-machine ones you could open and put other EVEN TINIER cars into! And those ones that came with a little credit card shaped bit of plastic that you could unfold and make a little landscape for your car to drive around on!

Toy cars it is, then.

You go, girl!

Continue reading "Road Noise: Small Car Review...er, But Not What You're Thinking" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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There are a bunch of ways to kill a man at the Ford Allen Park Test Labs. Exposure in the cold room, dehydration in the hot room, altitude sickness in the pressure room, boredom in the strange little parking lot simulator shed. And that's just the stuff I can come up with off the top of my head.

Oh, and you could run someone down with the new F-150, I guess, if your imagination was lacking for some reason.

F-150 stalks its prey from the cover of the tall grass

Continue reading "Road Noise: Fuel Economy: The Most Dangerous Game" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:32 AM | Permalink

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Another day, another mess of press releases clogging the inbox here at Vehicle Voice World Internet Headquarters and Half-Price Seafood Buffet.

Let's see...Corporate community outreach: I’ll pass. Buy 14 tires, get the 15th free: To the Recycle Bin! Exciting new car air freshener: This isn’t news.

Oooh, here’s one: “GM launches new site to clarify misconceptions about the company.” Sounds like fun; let’s roll.

This is gonna be like Mythbusters, but without the explosions or the entertainment.

Continue reading "Road Noise: Because We Said So, That's Why!" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 6:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Two hours out of every day – one in the morning, and one in the evening – I drive the highways of this great country. It’s a fascinating world out there, full of interesting sights, breathtaking landscapes and novel personalities, all available to take in if you know where to look.

It gets boring after about 20 minutes.

For hours and hours and hours.

Continue reading "Road Noise: The Road Goes Ever On and On. And On and On and On." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 6:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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A lot of press releases cross my desk here at Vehicle Voice World Internet Headquarters R Us, and over the past few weeks, I’ve seen several headlined with variations on “10 Best Cars for Back to School!”

Wow. My parents got pretty worked up when they just had to lay down a hundred bucks for a graphic calculator; the concept of a back-to-school car probably would have sent my dad into a coma.

In my day, we rode the cheese. And we liked it. You kids get off my lawn!

Continue reading "Road Noise: Am I old enough for disdain toward the young yet?" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Right in Our Own Backyard
On my way home from a meeting yesterday afternoon, this "beauty" caught my eye. And, yeah, I had to stop in and see how much they're asking for it and if anyone's actually buying them. We've known that the option would be available, though not supplied by Ford directly, has been floating around for a while, but this was our first in-the-vinyl-and-tin sighting.

Though it seems that the same people who talk about how ugly such options also bemoan the use of vinyl to create a wood look over heavy, expensive, and difficult-to-maintain real wood, the Flex actually wears this niche choice as well as possible, and far better than just about any other modern-day car.

Continue reading "Road Noise: 2009 Ford Flex Woody" »

Posted by Stephanie Brinley at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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An event of this scale just makes one feel...insignificant.

Continue reading "Road Noise: Greetings From the Dream Cruise!" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 7:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Summer’s getting on. It’s still blisteringly hot most of the time, but it’s getting dark a little earlier each night, and the great summer holidays – Memorial Day, Independence Day, my birthday – are behind us. Only the county fair stands between us and the short, quick slide into autumn.

Positively bucolic. It can’t last.

Continue reading "Road Noise: Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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There’s supposed to be a point in everyone’s life where you’re sitting around with some friends, and everyone’s bored at the prospect of the boring day/weekend/month ahead, and then you look around at each other, and as one, you all go “Wooooo! Road trip!” And then everyone has a life-changing coming-of-age experience. At least that’s how movies and daytime TV have sold it to me.

They’re having fun. See, this is fun!

Continue reading "Road Noise: No Sleep -- Or Stops -- Till Brooklyn" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Green technology at the Woodward Dream Cruise? Hmmm. You could fit a whole Prius under this baby’s hood, I guess.

Continue reading "Road Noise: The Green Parade" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So, first Volkswagen announces that they’re building their new plant in Tennessee, and then like two hours later, General Motors comes out with another little ray of sunshine: No more health care for salaried retirees, bonuses for nobody, and they’re closing the hell out of a bunch of plants.

You know, times have been tough, but even taking that into account, we’ve had better Tuesdays, you know?

The manufacturing economy. (Artist's rendering)

Continue reading "Blue Tuesday" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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On one hand, it’s the best idea in human history: Dad drives the minivan, and while little Pashley is engrossed in her Dora DVDs, mom can e-mail her sister about how ill-advised this trip is, Junior can watch a panda get hit in the junk on YouTube, and Sister can do whatever it is those damn kids do in their Facespaces or Mybooks or what have you.

On the other hand, it’s the Internet in the car. Well, there’s a brilliant plan with absolutely no flaws, don’t you think?

”DSL? Where we’re going, we don’t need DSL.”

Continue reading "500 Miles to Ironforge" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Hokay, so. We’re talking about hybrids this week here at the VehicleVoice Interntronic Webblargh. Saving gas (and gas money) is a subject near and dear to my heart, as the more patient and visionary among you may have gathered from last week’s slightly garbled missive. This time around, let’s talk about the two-mode hybrid system that George liked so much on the Yukon earlier this week. Development of this particular system was a joint project between BMW, General Motors, Daimler, and Chrysler.

That guy from Futurama approves

Continue reading "Two-Mode Hybrid: Simpler than the stupid Internet would have you believe." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 7:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Hey, you know what I’m totally not sick of hearing about? High gas prices. Let’s talk about that.

Continue reading "It's an expensive world out there, kids. Just stay home." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 1:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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So, by now you’ve seen BMW’s GINA concept car. (And if you haven’t, jeez I have to do everything around here.) Opinions here at VehicleVoice World Internet Headquarters and House of Waffles are sharply divided: Steph thinks it’s intriguing, and I think it hungers for human souls.

We were going to argue about it – you may not have noticed, but I’m only happy when I’m in a quarrel – but then I realized, “Wait, this is just what BMW wants us to do!” Because GINA isn’t so much as a car as a Rorschach test made from an umbrella frame and an old swimsuit.

Work with me here.

GINA: The blank slate upon which the observer inscribes her insecurities.

Continue reading "Psychotherapy With BMW's GINA Concept" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 10:30 AM | Permalink

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A highly scientific poll conducted by calling my friend Doug and asking him, “Hey, who do you think has more screen time in Iron Man: Jeff Bridges or the Audi logo?” determined recently that, yeah, there might be some product placement at work in the entertainment industry.

The star of Iron Man. Also pictured: Guy in a robot suit.

Continue reading "I've got your product placement right here." »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 10:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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This is fun, right? We’re having fun!

Well, here we are in the World of Tomorrow. The food pills and flying cars are some ways off, but our brave boys in the trenches of science have figured out how to harness those spastic blinky necklaces (pictured) issued by law to every obnoxious child at every fireworks display and use their power for good. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the LED headlamp.

The 2009 Cadillac Escalade Platinum blinds you with science

Continue reading "[insert "bright future" joke here]" »

Posted by Katrina Ohlemacher at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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